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how to be a good partner to a stay-at-home spouse

Started by Steve @ bripblap · 10 months ago

You may not realize it, but being a good spouse to a stay-at-home parent is a hard job in and of itself. There are few key actions you can concentrate on to try and help each other. I am terrible at almost every single one of these tips, so for once this is not a [...] ... Continue reading »

39 comments

  • Free From Broke

    1 year ago

    Great advice! It's hard for me to remember number 1. I get home and I'm a wreck after my commute. I try to make up for it with #3 to give my wife some time to herself. Here's one more tip - make sure you communicate with your spouse. That will help you stay on the same page.
    reply
  • bubelah

    1 year ago

    Steve exagerates when he says that he is "terrible at almost every single one of these tips". It's not true. He is a very considered spouse and I am the luckiest to have him.
    I am glad he acknowledges Point #5. I think this is the hardest for him to accept that I do know better when it comes to Little Buddy, most of the time, because I spend more time with him.
    reply
  • bubelah

    1 year ago

    Also, this is advice to the parents of brand new babies: the "Happiest Baby on the Block" is a very helpful book on how to sooth your colicky (crying) baby. We did all the steps from the book and it helped us tremendously, made a big difference. The book is short and to the point. Or you could get a DVD on Netflix.
    As for the "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" book, I regret we din't get it soon enough. It would've saved us months of sleep deprivation. This book had other valueable tips on eating and scheduling. I highly reommend to start early.
    reply
  • FourPillars

    1 year ago

    “Secrets of the Baby Whisperer” - I loved this book. I wish we had read it earlier.

    Steve, I think you should write a "How to be a good stay-at-home partner to a working spouse" (if you dare!).

    Or maybe Bebulah could write it.

    Mike
    reply
  • Lynnae @ Being Frugal.net

    1 year ago

    Excellent post! Maybe I should pass it on to my husband......
    Actually, he already does most of these things. :)
    reply
  • Alison

    1 year ago

    I dont have kids yet, and my BF and I both work but this is a great post! You touch upon all the things I'd want my husband to do if I were to be a stay at home mom one day..
    reply
  • deepali

    1 year ago

    great post - will forward to some friends. but i have to say, that picture is kind of creepy!
    reply
  • Fecundity

    1 year ago

    Great post, Steve. If you're managing to at least try to follow these, Bubelah is indeed a lucky gal.
    I second the motion of you and Bubelah collaborating on a similar post on how to be a good partner to a working spouse. As long as I won't have to put on a dress and pearls and meet Hubby at the door with a drink... ;)
    Loved the second photo, though I agree it is a tad creepy.
    reply
  • Jennifer

    1 year ago

    Another great post, Steve! I'm forwarding it on to my spouse. He does a pretty good with these, though, but I think he'll enjoy reading it nonetheless. Reminders here and there never hurt anyone, right?
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  • Heather

    1 year ago

    Wonderful post! Your wife is a very lucky woman.

    I would add, in regard to #7 and #8 that it's important to communicate with your spouse about their preferences. I actually want my husband to talk to me about work, and I like for him to play rough with the kids, even if it is half an hour before bedtime. In the first case, I like to feel like I know what's going on in his life--and let's face it, his work is 50% (at least) of his life right now. In the second case, rough-housing is something I just really don't do, but I feel like it's important for the kids to have it. So I rely on him to give that to them. And besides, if they're squealing with laughter in the next room, I can sneak under the covers for 10 minutes and read a book without too much guilt. :D
    reply
  • Mrs. Micah

    1 year ago

    I think the best point (of all these good points ) is that parenting, like other relationships, is not a zero sum game. It's not 50/50, it's more like 100/100. Sometimes it makes sense to split things, but it's too complex a relationship to try to make everything "even."
    reply
  • FourPillars

    1 year ago

    have to put on a dress and pearls and meet Hubby at the door with a drink…

    That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about!

    Mike
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  • Fecundity

    1 year ago

    That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about!

    I had a feeling you might be.
    reply
  • Bethany

    1 year ago

    Perfect post. 100%. Oh and I am a work at home mom with children in tow. And all of this is still relevant and even more true. Because not only am I caring for kids all day, I juggle in my work.

    Thanks. I'm tearing up over here.
    reply
  • Jennifer

    1 year ago

    Here thru Stumble Upon and glad I found this! Great post, thank you.
    reply
  • feefifoto

    1 year ago

    Amen! Be part of the solution and not part of the problem.
    reply
  • Steve

    1 year ago

    Great comments, everyone. The second picture is a little weird, but for some reason it just caught my attention! And yes, the pearls and martini advice will come in the followup post....

    Heather had a good point, that of course any of these can be modified if you and your spouse communicate about them and agree on changing them. Maybe in your family one person just prefers to be the one who is on bedtime duty ... in any case, there are a lot of ways to manage things, and most of them just require good communication.
    reply
  • John

    1 year ago

    Good points.
    Important to remind your normal working spouse (NWS) not to wind the kids up before bed-time. And work on the decompression thing - both spouses need it at that time and the kids are naturally most active then.

    Add in that the NWS does not expect the stay-at-home spouse (SAHS) to be the Secretary Of All Things - and say "you've been home all day why couldn't you get that done?"

    Also, there are times the NWS needs to give SAHS time to go have a 'beer' with their 'co-workers'.

    From a Stay at home Dad also running a Consulting Business. There are more and more of us - join the crowd
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  • guinness416

    1 year ago

    You're becoming the king of stumbleupon Steve! All good. My husband, who is for the most part holding down the domestic fort at the moment, has just pointed at a couple of these points/comments and said HAH! I can get better though.
    reply
  • Marek

    1 year ago

    Sometimes it's just plain hard to remember all that advice when returning from work at eight, tired as a rag...
    reply
  • Steve

    1 year ago

    @John: In fact I DO intend to join your crowd, as soon as possible :)

    @Marek: I couldn't agree more. Like I said at the beginning of the article I have terrible trouble remembering it all after a long day and sometimes horrific commute (up to 2 hours on a bad day, each way). However, I try every day to remind myself that sacrifices I make are not sacrifices - because it pays off in the long run with a better marriage, happier kids and a healthier home. But yeah - it's hard. Nothing good comes easy!
    reply
  • wealthy_1

    1 year ago

    Where were you with this post when my kids were little and Iwas at home with them? :-)
    reply
  • JHS

    1 year ago

    Thanks for contributing this insightful article to this week's Carnival of Family Life, hosted at the so-called me on Monday, December 10, 2007! We have many other wonderful entries, so stop by and read a few!

    Interested in hosting the Carnival? The schedule is posted at Colloquium.
    reply
  • Madame M

    1 year ago

    Excellent advice. You do such a great job of making both parties feel validated, so thank you for this.
    reply
  • Stephanie

    1 year ago

    Great tips. My husband is pretty good at these, although he could use to do more housework. But we divvy up putting the kids to bed and he has improved on helping out most ways.
    reply
  • paidtwice

    1 year ago

    I do love this post, but I do dislike the "What to expect" book series. Intensely and with an undying passion. lol

    :)
    reply
  • motherofbun

    1 year ago

    As a SAHM, I LOVE this article. My husband is one of those who comes home and sits on the couch and, for the most part, stays there all night until bed. He won't even put his plate in the sink after dinner. And when he works late, (pretty much every night) there's no notice. When I have a migraine, he says, "Suck it up." (Course there have been times he doesn't feel like getting out of bed, so he'll sleep in and then tell his boss that he was late because I had a migraine.) But if he's got a cold, he's in bed for two days.

    At night, he's watching tv and working on his computer. Then, when its time for bed (at least now he has a hand in helping with bedtime, before he wouldn't even do that.) he gets our son all rilled up. (I still have jammy duty and toothbrushing duty. All he has to do is read a book and put the boy in bed but since he decides that's the perfect time to wrestle with our son, our son is often up past 11 p.m. and asking for drinks, snacks, stories and whatnot.

    Oh and on the weekends, he sleeps in -- sometimes well past 3 p.m. Because you know, he works so hard! At least today he only slept in until 1. And yesterday he slept until 10 a.m. but took a three hour nap in the afternoon. I have to beg him to spend some one-on-one time with our son.

    He does do laundry... That's pretty much his only household chore. He does it about three times a month.

    My husband likes to say, "But you get three hours a day of free time while our son is at school. What he doesn't realize is that time is used to run errands, see doctors, make phone calls, schedule stuff and whatnot.

    (I picked a real winner, didn't I? Looks like he's the poster boy for how to do this all WRONG. It makes me feel like I'm the only one in the marriage and the only parent. That's pretty much why we are only having one child. I'm sad and very disappointed that he doesn't WANT to be an active part of our family.)
    reply
  • motherofbun

    1 year ago

    Sorry to write a book there. Its just something I can't write about on my own blog...
    reply
  • Work At Home Mom Tara

    1 year ago

    Excellent post! I have stumbled it!
    reply
  • Trent Hamm

    1 year ago

    My wife and I have trouble with number two. If one of us does most of the chores one day, there's almost an expectation that the other will catch up the next day. If the partner doesn't notice the imbalance because they were, say, busy with the kids, then that can result in something unpleasant for all.
    reply
  • Steve (Brip Blap)

    1 year ago

    @Trent: Absolutely, and we're by no means perfect on this one, either. Plus it assumes that there's (a) some "price" to the chores - does washing the dishes "equal" taking out the garbage? and (b) taking care of the kids is somehow equivalent to the chores. It shouldn't feel that way but as a parent I've found that there are certainly plenty of times when sitting through an extended grumpy bedtime session with a toddler feels like work.

    Of course with my (semi-temporary) move to problogging, doing the chores just got a bit easier :)
    reply
  • !wanda

    1 year ago

    This is a dumb question, but is that second picture real?
    reply
  • Steve (Brip Blap)

    1 year ago

    @wanda: it's not a dumb question, but I can't answer it - it's just an image I grabbed from Flickr, so it might be fake. I would not be surprised if it was real, though - in the later stages of pregnancy (my wife is due tomorrow) the belly skin is stretched very thin!
    reply
  • Ashley

    1 year ago

    All very good tips, my husband's pretty good about a lot of these, but some... Although the number one tip I would have added is "No Honey-Do Lists." The worst thing he can do is hand me a list of the stuff he wants done in the morning, as if I have nothing else to do all day. Of course, it works the other way, too. When he gets home from work I don't drop a baby in his lap and tell him to take out the trash. Acknowledge that your spouse is a grown-up, and you've both worked hard all day. A little patience and communication goes a long way. And to MOTHEROFBUN: My husband used to think I had no job. One Saturday he took over and handled our (then) one child by himself. He was passed out on the couch by 8 p.m. I haven't heard another remark about my "easy" days.
    reply
  • Angela

    1 year ago

    As a stay-at-home spouse, all I have to say is, THANK YOU! For once I feel normal for getting mad at my husband for doing the things you mentioned.
    reply
  • Heather

    9 months ago

    GREAT post! You really got me thinking. I'm going to make sure my husband reads this. Great blog as well. :)
    reply
  • Steve @ bripblap

    9 months ago

    Thanks Heather!
    reply
  • sai

    6 months ago

    I've come across this article by chance, when browsing aimlessly.

    What a wonderful article, especially since it reonates so aptly with my present situation. I am in India. I work while my wife is a stay-at-home mom. Every single word that is written here is relevant to us. The tips here are excellent and they point to all the mistakes I have been making in my life vitiating our family relationship. The mistakes like :-

    1. I'm too exhausted. Because I work, I'm entitled to relax once I reach home. Dead wrong.
    2. I grudgingly do chores. And ofcourse keep score. See how good I am that I help whenever I can, inspite of my workload!
    3. Never even thought of me-time for my wife.
    reply
  • PearlandMom

    3 months ago

    This post is excellent! I am emailing it to my husband after typing this. The points about he cell oops now its the Iphone rings true. Actually I never thought of the drinks out with the co-workers in that way, but that's a great point as well.
    reply

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