brip blap - Latest Comments in the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Shakela87 — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 18:57:33 -0000

Thank you! It's so nice to see a personal finance article on the advantages of being a stay at home mom. Now I'm definitely a feminist and think if a mom wants to work than she should however, your wife wants to stay home. That's a perfectly valid choice! Anybody who's bitter about it is being silly. Old colleagues probably just keep bringing up work because they want her to come back. It sounds like she was a good employee, but now she's doing something much more important :) Also major kudos to you for being willing to do the stay at home thing. Obviously in this case it didn't make financial sense, but not insisting that she be the one to do it makes me have a lot of respect for you.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

jesirhodes — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 13:45:12 -0000

I really enjoyed this post, thanks so much!

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

twitter-55822846 — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:34:11 -0000

I know this is an old post, but I had to comment...

The women's movement was supposed to give us the ability to choose what we wanted to do with our lives, but it really has not. My generation is expected to work and have careers. The only choice I get is either I work or I don't have a place to live. How is that empowering?

My generation was raised with the mixed messages of "you can grow up to be whatever you want to be as long as you don't act like a girl and do traditional female things". How is that empowering?

I applaud you and your wife's decision to live on one income. I know that it requires sacrifice. Whatever doubts that your wife may have now will pale knowing that she was able to spend time with her child when they were young. No career and no six figure salary can compare to that reward.

If a family can make one income work, then they should go for it if that's what they want to do.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Michelle H. — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 10:58:16 -0000

Hang in there - it's all worth it! I felt the same as your wife many times, but I'm so glad I could stay home with our children.Those years pass so quickly and can never be replaced. It helps if you can find even one like-minded friend.
Blessings!

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

bripblap — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 10:05:50 -0000

Thanks for all the new comments! One quick point: I did say "First of all, I know there are single mothers and poorer families who have no choice!" I know that there are people who have medical hardships, lower paying jobs, etc. who need two incomes. And I know many people reading this post think I'm being judgmental, and I am. Not every family NEEDS two incomes to survive. Many do, and I'm not talking about them.

But thanks for the comments! And I do know that many stay-at-home-parents do feel "damned if they do, damned if they don't" go back to the workplace. As I said, my wife feels the same way. It's tough!

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Becky R — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 23:06:29 -0000

Even school age kids need a stay at home parent.

I am a single mom, but it has been my goal to be with my two boys as much as possible, so I have always worked with them, as a nanny and then running an in home daycare. I work hard and long hours, but I am with my boys.

We live very frugally, but even if I worked full time and had them in school (we homeschool) and aftercare I would not make much more money than I do now.

I attribute all this to God, but I think since He also desires me to be with my boys He makes it work.

We do not have any debt or car payment. We do rent, but I have some money saved so we can buy a house one day. I also have an emergency fund of about 1-2 years worth of living expenses.

God is so good.

I have many friends who work and they complain, but they drive new cars and go to disney once a year plus other mini vacations. So yes it can be about priorities.

It works for us.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Mandi — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 20:52:16 -0000

I only skimmed some of the comments, so maybe I missed it, but is there anyone else out there who actually comes out financially *ahead* by one parent staying home? I have a Master of Library Science, which does not pay off like a master's in another area--say, an MBA. I am planning to work very part time after our third child is born (sometime in the next month!), and we will come out a little bit ahead. Child care for three would sap literally half of my take-home pay, so we found it pointless for me to continue working full time. I don't see it as any more "wasteful" to stay home with an education than to work just to pay for childcare and student loans.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Alice — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 18:57:54 -0000

My husband and I both work, we drive a small, old car, we live in a tiny house, and we don't travel unless someone else offers to pay for the tickets. I have no freaking clue who these people are who are only working for luxuries, but they're not us.

BTW, I stayed home until my daughter was two and a half, then went back to work, and I got roundly criticized for both choices. Motherhood amounts to people telling you you're doing it wrong either way.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Laurie — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:23:26 -0000

I am a sahm also and I have heard it all. I have been told that I am so lucky to be home with my kids- it is not luck it is hard work making that one income stretch and we don't have brand new cars or take really expensive vacations. We have older cars in good condition and take family vacations that we save for and can afford. I have also been asked when I am going to finally go back to school so my dh can stop working so hard to support me. My dh works his regular job, which he would still do even if I went back to work. If I did go back to work then we would both have to work harder to pay for daycare costs!! All of these comments have been made by people who have huge houses, very expensive suv's, boats, campers and take at least 3 vacations a year and spend a total of 2 hrs with their kids each day. They also say they have to work!! No they want to work and if that is their decision then go for it but, don't put down my decision to stay at home. I try to respect everyones choices, I may not agree with them but, I don't have to live with their choices.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Lisa — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 14:43:14 -0000

More than valid. If it is used to raise responsible, civic-minded, kind hearted children I believe that it is the BEST use. It was always our family plan, even when my husband and I were engaged in college, for me to stay home when we decided to have kids. I worked in a demanding job for 7 years before we had kids and I still have a demanding job as a SAHM. Instead of the salary I used to earn and the taxes I paid on that, society get two other members that have a love for learning and are centered on family.....and will likely not be a drain on society in social services such as unemployment, prison, etc. I'm not saying that if a parent doesn't stay home their kids will become a drain on society, but for my part, as a homeschooling mom, other children get a net benefit because our family taxes go to schooling children that are not my own.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Dana Booth — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 14:27:54 -0000

"But I still think that any time you choose two incomes over one you are making a choice for money over staying home. " bripblap

There are two different issues being discussed here. One is both spouses working, the other is whether it's truly necessary or not.

Regarding women working, I have a Master's in Statistics and have been a stay at home Mom for almost four years and have three young children. I have heard both praise and criticism for my choice then to stay home, and my need now to return to work.

Regarding necessity, I am only one case, but I'm sure there are many more. I am looking for work, trying to find something that will help while not hurting Mom/Family time too much. We barely squeak by on one salary, but have to be late on a bill to do so sometimes. We have no emergency fund, a 10-year old truck (no other vehicle), don't eat out, and rent our home. We have cut back as far as we can. We _do_ need a second income and it's not because of excess spending, or any other luxury. Please try not to make global statements and judgements against people for whom you may or may not know all of their circumstances.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Lisa Fargo — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 13:07:58 -0000

Great topic. I was just thinking many of these same things on my girls' night out last night. I go out with two ladies who have younger children than mine, a dentist and a pediatrician, who can not fathom how or why I stay home with my kids. They are not rude about it, and we are very open and honest, so there is no resentment, nastiness, blame, etc., but it is there, them not understanding my lifestyle choice and me utterly confused by theirs.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

molly — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 11:03:50 -0000

My mother stayed home with my older siblings, but when my sister and I came along, she went back to school for a nursing degree and then worked nights until we were in middle school or so. This enabled my family to have a comfortable middle class lifestyle growing up.

But what does she regret? Not being home with all of us. I don't know if, financially, my parents could have swung a single income, but I know they would have tried if possible.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Erin — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 09:11:36 -0000

We both work in my family but I would much rather take on the more important job of staying home with my toddler. We don't have cable tv or eat out or even buy magazines. if it were not for my husbands child support payments (for a child we keep three days a week) we would be able to get buy on one salary.

Tell your wife that I think it is honorable that she would give her time to her son. There could be nothing better.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Mrs. White — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 08:13:20 -0000

This is an excellent post. I have been a stay at home wife/ mother ever since I got married 21 years ago. It is a lot of work taking care of children and a home. I don't understand why people think it is a problem.
If your wife wanted to go back to work after your son starts school, perhaps she could find something to do from home. Even when a child is in school, there is still so much to do and they often get sick and need to stay at home.
Blessings
Mrs. White

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

janette — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 06:36:17 -0000

Next age to stay at home? High school! It is worth every missed paycheck.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Jessica — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 12:20:35 -0000

As a person with no children, can I comment on this?

I had two working parents. I am so thankful that I did. I would quite honestly recommend to any of my friends that they stay in the work force, and here's why:

1. My caretaker for the first two years was my grandmother, an incredible woman who worked while she had children though it was frowned upon in her time. She was an excellent role model, and great person who helped shape my values.
2. I went to preschool at age three, which developed my love of learning and helped me learn to make friends. I am a firm believer that children need socialization, so even if parents stay home, a play group of some kind is necessary.
3. When my sisters were born, my parents hired an in home care taker, and she and her family have become part of ours. It was also nice to be able to build relationships with adults other than my parents.
4. By the time I was a teenager, I would occasionally come home to an empty house. I learned to fend for myself, become independent, and be responsible when left alone.
5. My mothers ability to do it all convinced me that I can too someday, and despite the fact that I absolutely will work full time until I retire, it is possible to have a family, and no, I'm not a bad person for wanting both.
6. My parents used the extra income to do things that enriched us; Girl Scouts, dance lessons, educational trips and family vacations. Were they necessary? No. Were they memorable and awesome? Yes.
7. If either of my parents were home all day, as a teenager, I would probably have died of smothering.
8. Being away all day reminded my parents to take an active interest in what I was up to. I still tell them everything. And family dinner together was important as well.

So there, from a "latchkey" kid you have a convincing argument to work. My point is, don't fall prey to any pressure. Don't let anyone say you are hurting your child by working if you want to, and don't let anyone say you should be if you don't. We kids are resilient and elastic creatures. A good dose of values over the dinner table will be plenty to turn us into good people.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

tom — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 09:21:44 -0000

Great article.

This all goes back to people not actually asking the why, instead they assume what everyone else does and they go around like sheep just saying it for the sake of saying. It is usually nothing meaningful, or just a way for your to conform to their reality.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

jami — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:23:29 -0000

You are absolutely right . It is a choice in the majority of 2 parent households for one parent ( frequently the mother) to go back to work . I choose not to , but I do work from home which made the transition a bit easier . I don't HAVE to work and I don't have to leave my home when it is not convenient for my son and myself . We have had to make some sacrifices and took a big income hit , but the "benefits" are priceless. I have 1 job and that's being a parent , best job I ever had . When anyone asks me when I'm going back to work I tell them "when they figure out a way to clone me" !

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

bubelah — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 20:00:28 -0000

Do you have their contact info? The email address provided on the site is not valid.
thank you

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

bripblap — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 00:00:14 -0000

Thanks Monica - I passed that on to Bubelah and she's looking into it. I'll say that from my perspective it seems like a great idea!

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Monica Swanson — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 12:44:17 -0000

If Bubelah needs support, please tell her to check out a local chapter of the International MOMS Club. Ours has Doctors, Lawyers, etc., and is all about supporting a woman's decision to stay at home with her children. It's purpose is about giving mom that intelligent stimulation she needs during the day in a family friendly environment! The kids have great socialization as well. No real agenda, just what each club wants to make of it. Mostly all my relationships I have had since my kids have been born are somehow related to the club!

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Abigail Sawyer — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 03:06:19 -0000

I support your wife and you! She is doing the toughest and most rewarding (yet, ironically, often thankless) job ever. I know...I've been in the same line of work for 5.5 years. (I still have a 3-year-old at home, but don't expect to feel like it's time to go back to the office the minute Junior enters kindergarten!) You are both teaching your son that you value his well-being over a new car or second TV. This decision will pay enormous, unquantifiable dividends. Hold your heads high and remind other folks that you're doing the most important job in the world.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Moneymonk — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:16:01 -0000

I don't see anything wrong with driving a new car and have premium movie channels and take a vacation to Aruba every year? That can also be done on one salary, depending on your overhead expenses.

If I have a side business that brings in enough monthly to pay for the mortgage and live off of one salary for day to day expenses. We can still have a few wants.

You make it seem like if one parent stay home, vacations and little luxuries must be eliminated.

There is always a way around things

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

KO — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 20:24:44 -0000

Chris, in so many ways, your logic is flawed.

Would you consider someone who trained as a lawyer a "burden on society" if they later choose to operate a small gift shop, or someone who trained as a research chemist decides to teach school instead? After all, they aren't "maximizing" their expensive educations, since they could have done what they are presently doing with far less schooling.

You also make the false assumption that a person who stays out of the workforce is forever unemployable. Did you ever consider that possibly that person could switch careers and do just fine in their new vocation?

What it basically boils down to is this. My child did not ask to be born. I helped create him and he is my responsibility. I have the choice as to which parts of my life I decide to outsource to others. I do not believe that outsourcing my son's care is an intelligent decision for our family at this time. If for some reason he does not do well in the one-size-fits-all, don't-bother-me-kid school system that passes for an "education" in too many parts of this country, I will dedicate my time to educating him myself.

Believe me, it would be a far better "return on investment" than if I spent yet another afternoon in another meeting discussing some topic for the fifth time, all the while wondering if my kid will ever find a teacher who will take the time to explain something to him that he is having difficulty understanding, and hoping that it doesn't crush a love of learning forever.