brip blap - Latest Comments in the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Jessica — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 12:20:35 -0000

As a person with no children, can I comment on this?

I had two working parents. I am so thankful that I did. I would quite honestly recommend to any of my friends that they stay in the work force, and here's why:

1. My caretaker for the first two years was my grandmother, an incredible woman who worked while she had children though it was frowned upon in her time. She was an excellent role model, and great person who helped shape my values.
2. I went to preschool at age three, which developed my love of learning and helped me learn to make friends. I am a firm believer that children need socialization, so even if parents stay home, a play group of some kind is necessary.
3. When my sisters were born, my parents hired an in home care taker, and she and her family have become part of ours. It was also nice to be able to build relationships with adults other than my parents.
4. By the time I was a teenager, I would occasionally come home to an empty house. I learned to fend for myself, become independent, and be responsible when left alone.
5. My mothers ability to do it all convinced me that I can too someday, and despite the fact that I absolutely will work full time until I retire, it is possible to have a family, and no, I'm not a bad person for wanting both.
6. My parents used the extra income to do things that enriched us; Girl Scouts, dance lessons, educational trips and family vacations. Were they necessary? No. Were they memorable and awesome? Yes.
7. If either of my parents were home all day, as a teenager, I would probably have died of smothering.
8. Being away all day reminded my parents to take an active interest in what I was up to. I still tell them everything. And family dinner together was important as well.

So there, from a "latchkey" kid you have a convincing argument to work. My point is, don't fall prey to any pressure. Don't let anyone say you are hurting your child by working if you want to, and don't let anyone say you should be if you don't. We kids are resilient and elastic creatures. A good dose of values over the dinner table will be plenty to turn us into good people.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

tom — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 09:21:44 -0000

Great article.

This all goes back to people not actually asking the why, instead they assume what everyone else does and they go around like sheep just saying it for the sake of saying. It is usually nothing meaningful, or just a way for your to conform to their reality.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

jami — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:23:29 -0000

You are absolutely right . It is a choice in the majority of 2 parent households for one parent ( frequently the mother) to go back to work . I choose not to , but I do work from home which made the transition a bit easier . I don't HAVE to work and I don't have to leave my home when it is not convenient for my son and myself . We have had to make some sacrifices and took a big income hit , but the "benefits" are priceless. I have 1 job and that's being a parent , best job I ever had . When anyone asks me when I'm going back to work I tell them "when they figure out a way to clone me" !

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

bubelah — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 20:00:28 -0000

Do you have their contact info? The email address provided on the site is not valid.
thank you

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

bripblap — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 00:00:14 -0000

Thanks Monica - I passed that on to Bubelah and she's looking into it. I'll say that from my perspective it seems like a great idea!

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Monica Swanson — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 12:44:17 -0000

If Bubelah needs support, please tell her to check out a local chapter of the International MOMS Club. Ours has Doctors, Lawyers, etc., and is all about supporting a woman's decision to stay at home with her children. It's purpose is about giving mom that intelligent stimulation she needs during the day in a family friendly environment! The kids have great socialization as well. No real agenda, just what each club wants to make of it. Mostly all my relationships I have had since my kids have been born are somehow related to the club!

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Abigail Sawyer — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 03:06:19 -0000

I support your wife and you! She is doing the toughest and most rewarding (yet, ironically, often thankless) job ever. I know...I've been in the same line of work for 5.5 years. (I still have a 3-year-old at home, but don't expect to feel like it's time to go back to the office the minute Junior enters kindergarten!) You are both teaching your son that you value his well-being over a new car or second TV. This decision will pay enormous, unquantifiable dividends. Hold your heads high and remind other folks that you're doing the most important job in the world.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Moneymonk — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:16:01 -0000

I don't see anything wrong with driving a new car and have premium movie channels and take a vacation to Aruba every year? That can also be done on one salary, depending on your overhead expenses.

If I have a side business that brings in enough monthly to pay for the mortgage and live off of one salary for day to day expenses. We can still have a few wants.

You make it seem like if one parent stay home, vacations and little luxuries must be eliminated.

There is always a way around things

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

KO — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 20:24:44 -0000

Chris, in so many ways, your logic is flawed.

Would you consider someone who trained as a lawyer a "burden on society" if they later choose to operate a small gift shop, or someone who trained as a research chemist decides to teach school instead? After all, they aren't "maximizing" their expensive educations, since they could have done what they are presently doing with far less schooling.

You also make the false assumption that a person who stays out of the workforce is forever unemployable. Did you ever consider that possibly that person could switch careers and do just fine in their new vocation?

What it basically boils down to is this. My child did not ask to be born. I helped create him and he is my responsibility. I have the choice as to which parts of my life I decide to outsource to others. I do not believe that outsourcing my son's care is an intelligent decision for our family at this time. If for some reason he does not do well in the one-size-fits-all, don't-bother-me-kid school system that passes for an "education" in too many parts of this country, I will dedicate my time to educating him myself.

Believe me, it would be a far better "return on investment" than if I spent yet another afternoon in another meeting discussing some topic for the fifth time, all the while wondering if my kid will ever find a teacher who will take the time to explain something to him that he is having difficulty understanding, and hoping that it doesn't crush a love of learning forever.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Kristina — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 19:54:19 -0000

The best answer to this question whenever anybody asks is:
"I choose to because it works for me/our family." No further explanations required.

That being said, I dislike the pressure women have to stay at home, and conversly the pressure educated women have to return to work. I dislike that when people comment about whether children miss their working moms, and it's never considered that they miss their working dads. I dislike the wholly economical decision to give up the lesser paying career - this will almost always average out to be the women's, we do typically choose men who are older, and more advanced in their careers... this choice is so much more then just black & white economics.

I wish their was more opportunity to split the career hit, both people working a .75 or a .8 - with flexible hours and/or days. Doing 3-5 years of that shouldn't hurt an overall career path too much. If your really lucky companies could allow a .5

So choosing to stay at home full time doesn't work for me, and choosing to work full time doesn't either.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Amber — Wed, 14 May 2008 18:26:46 -0000

This is a great post. It definitely sums up some of our reasons for making the same priority choice. Except my husband is the one staying home.

Expectations are a little different for Stay at Home Dads... my husband gets really annoyed with well-wishing acquaintances who applaud him for choosing to stay home with our son. He always asks, would you applaud my wife for choosing to stay home with our son? No... you would probably wonder if she was forced into it by gender stereotypes... however, its the same choice, regardless of what gender chooses to stay home. And equally laudable.

Thanks for talking about it.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Work from home Mom — Fri, 02 May 2008 14:45:12 -0000

I am really annoyed with all of the messages blasting people who do need two incomes to "make ends meet". Sometimes one income is just not enough. You need to pay the mortgage and put food on the table, oil in the furnace, etc. Not to mention somehow save enough for college and retirement. These are not extravagances! They are not trips to Europe or luxury cars, they are real life neccessities. Not every family is lucky enough to have one high paying spouse so that the other can "choose" to quit. Sometimes, the realty is that you really DO need two incomes. Please show some empathy for some very real families that are in this squeeze!

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Chris — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 09:10:56 -0000

Harsh thought, but if you are a professional man or woman, and you drop out of the work force semi-permanently (try getting you old job back after 18 years) you area burden on society. Think about it, especially if you went to a professional school or a state school your education was subsidized because you looked like you were going to be a productive member of society. So if you drop out you were a bad investment.

And since this is a financial blog and not a political one, you are a bad investment to yourself too. Any investment you spent on your own education is now getting a 0% return. For you that sounds fine, you are investing in your child's first years which is very valuable. But how long will that be worth it? 5 years old? 10? 17? I have heard of people not working so they could pick up their 13 year old from school. That is not worth it. They don't even really want you around any more!

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Alison — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 09:07:40 -0000

If others are worried about a woman with a 200K education leaving her job, it is their own fault for stereotyping and generalizing. Overlook those flaws and do your job well.

My situation is a little different. I am a SAHM mom who also works from home after working very hard to make sure I could make money while also being at home for my children. I also thought I might go back to work (outside the home) after my children started school, but realized this would still leave 2-1/2 hours in the afternoons (and sick days... and holidays...) that I would be needing childcare.

The reason I "need" to work? My husband tried his hand at owning his own business and racked up loads of debt, which he is currently working to pay off. I pay for all of the household, work full-time from home, and am the primary caregiver for our two children. Nothing takes the place of hard work, not even a 200K education.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Steve (Brip Blap) — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 12:06:15 -0000

@Margaret: I agree, although it helps that my wife managed to complete her college education without taking out any loans thanks to New York's excellent public university system, which is very, very inexpensive. Learning for its own sake is certainly valid, and probably one of the two or three most important things that make one's life richer (and not in the money sense)!

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Margaret — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:31:32 -0000

I am appalled by the suggestion that education only has value if it is used to earn a wage. While it may be impractical financially for a woman to pay college tutition and not use her education in the workplace, learning for its own sake is certainly valid.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

JW — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 22:30:19 -0000

I just stumbled upon your blog and am pleasantly surprised by all the support you have received.

My husband and myself decided that I would quit my job when we had our first son, nine years ago. We made a decision and commitment to it.

We didn't make very much money to begin with and when I quit, we lost about 1/3 of our income at that time.

We made sacrifices by not driving new cars, living in an older house, living very frugally. The funny thing is, my husband in the following years received raises and promotions that caused him to make more than we did together before.

People would always say to us, "It's nice you can afford to be at home."

The fact was, we couldn't "afford" it, we made a commitment and did it. We didn't do it because we could "afford" it, we did it because that where our values were.

The person is right about either the children will make the sacrifice (by the parents' working) or the parents will sacrifice.

Good for you.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Another SAHM — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 22:41:20 -0000

Anon, I'm not worried about you.

If you have a 200k education and people think you are flaky, perhaps that's not because of women like me.

Do you really think that women should sacrifice staying home to raise their children so other women, especially those in elite, high-paying jobs, won't look bad? Really? Really?

It seems to me that the time and care I'm giving my son is worth far more than any $200k education, and by focusing on him and my husband I'm getting back so very much more.

So please, Anon, continue succeeding in your very elite, high paying position. You're obviously not ready to become a parent yet. Focus out.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Erica — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 04:40:26 -0000

Great points, all of which NEED to be said. Staying at home is hard work mentally and emotionally, your self worth is diminished if not be yourself then by others (sometimes without them realising it!). It's tough doing the right thing and cutting back in order to afford to live off one wage and be primary caregiver, however, I strongly believe where at all possible it is the RIGHT thing.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

anon — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 11:10:45 -0000

As a woman who sits next to women like your wife, but in another field, I am annoyed. I have a 200K education, and I was hired into a elite, high-paying job. Women like your wife think they can just leave, and it doesn't affect other women. It does. People wonder if I am going to leave any minute.

The reason there is a "subtle campaign" against this choice is two-fold. First, it is inefficient, if not downright wasteful, to have the kind of education and training I have and then sit at home with your kid. Second, it AFFECTS OTHER WOMEN. Women who think they can make this decision in a vacuum are wrong. It makes women like me look flaky, even though we are not.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Ann — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 01:39:34 -0000

If I may…
First, I agree, no one is obligated to have children. If you believe you “must” have children then it would be a really healthy exercise to evaluate your beliefs/value system in regards to becoming a parent. (Not how you feel about having a baby, those ideas are worlds apart.)

It's funny how comments regarding a post about "need" vs "must" work essentially boil down to whether a parent (or mom) should work after kids come into the picture. I think you could post this article on any website of any nature and the comments would still center on moms working outside the home. Why is this?

An article like this one forces a person (couple) to re-evaluate their own value system...either they are comfortable with their value system and decision (to work or not) or maybe they are not so comfortable and are forced to revisit the issue and re-evaluate.

I work as an RN in Women's and Children's Services as a labor nurse and mother/baby nurse in addition to teaching childbirth classes. I am on "the frontlines" of all these "hot button issues" of parenting/childbirth: epidural/no epidural, breast/bottle feeding, cloth/paper diapers circumcise/don't circumcise, immunize/don't immunize...the list goes on. I can't really think of any set of decisions we make that can cause such a ruckus among normally well mannered adults. Everyone is afraid to be wrong and everyone wants to be right.

For our family, what have we learned as parents of 3 lovely girls aged 15-5?
1.) Both my husband and I cannot be fully devoted to developing our own full time careers and fully devoted to developing physically/mentally/spiritually healthy adults. I haven't worked full time in a paid RN position since 1998. It was obvious then and is actually more obvious now that one of us has to make the children and home the priority.
2.) I cannot begin to speak to the corporate woman in Chicago about her decision to work or not work. I have no idea what I am talking about. I live in the Midwest and my chosen vocation is a nurse. I can work when I want, wherever I want and do what I want. It would be arrogant and insensitive of me to even remotely second guess your decision to continue in your career fulltime or to quit altogether. That said, I would presume we all understand that when it comes to parenting we get no “mulligans” or “do overs” and that this is no dress rehearsal…our decision to work or not is for keeps. The clock started ticking at conception and ages 0-18 is only the first quarter…it just happens to be the most intense and if you screw it up, the last three quarters can be very, very rough.
3.) I basically live in a sorority. Even with everyone in school now, I will not be going back to work full time. I actually tried that in August and that plan was shot down in 1.5 months. It wasn't for lack of organization or communication or even desire on my part. But for our situation, it didn't work and may never work b/c girls are so relational...my husband just didn't know what to do with 3 girls coming home from volleyball practice, Brownies and kindergarten wanting to talk about their day while I am still at work helping women have babies. He is not me and I am not him. My role is defined (with respect to being a mother of girls) and no matter how hard my dh tries he cannot be me. Likewise, I cannot be him. For us, it truly does make a difference that we have three girls...I couldn't begin to speculate what our lives would look like if we would have had three boys...and frankly, I don't have the energy to.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

bubelah — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 12:06:52 -0000

Someone here said that because of women like me (who stay home) there's certain expectation for women in general when they have kids. I disagree. We live in a modern society, it could be a man who chooses to stay home and some do.
But the point of the article is "need" vs. "must" work instead of staying home with kids.
Unfortunately, this is not because of women like me who decide to stay home and temporarily give up their careers. This is because of the structure of our society, decisions of our government.
I see 2 main reasons why most women and men feel pressured to return to work shortly after their babies arrive:
1. Medical Insurance for the whole family. Enough said here.
2. Maternity leaves are a joke in this country - 12 weeks paid maximum. Some European countries have 1 whole year of paid maternity leave and plus 2 more unpaid AND your job is still waiting for you. I bet women would LOVE this kind of maternity leave and take advantage of it.

For others it is just a choice to return to work and put their 3 months old baby in day care. This is wrong, in my opinion. A parent who doesn't want to stay home and raise his/her own child?
Ok, Why do people have children? It's not an obligation.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Jen — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 02:07:34 -0000

I think having a parent stay at home is wonderful and doable for many dual income families. I don't know anyone who would give these people a hard time.

On the other hand, most of the comments are saying that people who have two parents working are selfish. Not so, perhaps they are trying to find a life balance. There are different ways to be positive role models in this world. Being there for your child AND working is attainable and shouldn't be disregarded.

It is very difficult to stay at home all day and miss out on interaction at work or otherwise. It takes a toll on many. This is rarely discussed in the blogs I've read. Things happen, life changes. Entering the working world after being away for many years is brutal. It is a lot of stress for the remaining working parent to know they are the sole breadwinner. There are many things to consider before making such a drastic decision. I don't think judgement should be passed on the crowd that continues to work so easily.

I went to college, and plan to go to graduate school. I would not be pursuing higher education if I planned to be a stay at home Mom. People can work and be good parents, it may take more planning but is also an option. There are probably as many wonderful stay at home families as neglectful ones, having a parent stay at home doesn't guarantee anything. Families with two parents working don't necessarily care about their children less than a family with a stay at home parent.

FYI - My mother was a stay at home parent. And it was wonderful. And I always wish I had the opportunity to have had a strong female working parent role model in my youth, to have helped prepare me for the world today. I always wonder if things could have been wonderful another way too.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

bripblap — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 19:50:34 -0000

Again, a lot of great comments and I really appreciate them all. I think Brooke made a point that I'd like to address. I did admit that there are certain parents who need to work - single mothers, etc. Now, if there are two parents and both feel a need to continue working for their careers or just for fulfilment, that's a valid choice - although one I disagree with, personally.

I respect a PERSON'S right to choose what is best for them but I would still argue that putting the child's needs first - and that means being there for them moreso than earning money for them - is a PARENT'S first responsibility. If you can make it work with one parent working full-time and one part-time, then that's fine - but I think it means that you want the work for your sake, not for your child's sake. That's your choice to make, certainly. But I still think that any time you choose two incomes over one you are making a choice for money over staying home. We lost 40% of our income when my wife quit her job. We made a choice, and it has been hard from time to time. But our choice was to sacrifice income, and frankly some of both of OUR happiness (her career, our money, my freedom to change jobs now that I'm the sole wage earner). I agree that it's your choice and I am sure you are motivated by what you think is best; but my personal opinion is that it's still choosing one thing over another.

Re: the myth of the parent that NEEDS to work

Super Saver — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 19:01:09 -0000

Brip Brap,

Great post. We started living on a single income nearly 8 years ago. Overall, our quality of life is better because of that choice. I am glad we made the decision we did.